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Category: Human Excretions

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When I was drunk at my friend's 80s-themed party, I was sitting outside with a circle of friends telling some anecdote. The porch swing got the better of me and halfway through the story I abruptly hopped up, stumbled in a half-circle, fell down on all fours and started Linda Blair-ing VIOLENTLY into the planter. Dressed as Jem. My friends gathered round and laughed heartily at this spectacle until about the 8th or 9th heave, at which point it just got kind of awkward and quiet. The hilarity went up to 11as my body's convulsions caused me to let out trumpet farts in time to the remaining heaves, surrounded by 15 people. Moral of the story? Don't mix Jungle Juice and Irish Car Bombs.

#90
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I agree, you are screwed (8) - You deserved that one (25)

Dec 5, 2009 04:45 AM - Human Excretions - by TotallyOutrageous

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Back in college, my freshman year dorm room was right next to the bathroom. I came home from work at 2am one cold February Sunday morning to find my windows open, snow in my room, and the unmistakable stench of vomit. When I went across the hall to find my roommate for an explanation, he told me one of the other guys on the floor came home just before me, thought our room was the toilet, and proceeded to yarf up his evening's alcohol cargo into my roomate's sock drawer. Later in the semester the same guy stumbled home and passed out in my bed. We woke him up with a strobe light and the stereo, set at volume 11, and nuclear explosion sound effect CD. Good times

#70
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I agree, you are screwed (5) - You deserved that one (15)

Dec 4, 2009 09:17 AM - Human Excretions - by Old Orangeman

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When I was drunk at a buddy's party, one of our friends got completely wasted and passed out. Another of our friends was blackout drunk at the time as well, and decided he wanted to teabag the passed out guy. So he climbs onto the recliner the guy was passed out in, drops trou, and right as he teabags him, accidentally shits a massive hershey squirt directly onto the guy's nose. The guy freaks out, pulls his pants up, and runs out of the party without another word. Moral of the story? Don't get too shitfaced or you'll get shitfaced.

#29
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I agree, you are screwed (50) - You deserved that one (7)

Sep 3, 6933 12:56 PM - Human Excretions - by N

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When I was stationed in Texas my buddies were drunk and decided to fuck with the one Private Pyle we had in our platoon. They stole Private Pyle's acne medication from his wall locker and jerked off into the bottle. The story spread like wild fire throughout the company. Private Pyle remains the only person who has not heard this story.

#22
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I agree, you are screwed (11) - You deserved that one (40)

Oct 19, 2009 10:24 PM - Human Excretions - by Jon Perry

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Preface: I didn’t remember any of this until I saw the video. I blacked out one night and told my buddy to follow me with the video camera. I summoned the elevator of our apartment. When the door opened I walked in and immediately dropped trou. I defecated two massive logs on the carpeted floor, picked it up and hurled it against the wall. The shit plopped in a perfect circle and stuck. It was there for three days before some poor soul had to scrape it off. Moral of the story…. well I guess there is no moral.

#19
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I agree, you are screwed (56) - You deserved that one (12)

Oct 19, 2009 09:35 PM - Human Excretions - by Mad Shitter

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One night we held a party at our frat. There were tons of women, cheap beer and cheaper alcohol ($8 plastic handle cheap). I went up to bathroom to take a piss and a pledge was filling up one of the sinks with multi-colored vomit. Our sinks were already clogged so I yelled at him to clean it up. For the next ten minutes I watched him scoop up the puke, with his hands, and drop it into the toilet before slumping down to finish yibbing. In runs another pledge and sprays the entire contents of a fire extinguisher over the bathroom, the puke-splattered floor and the other pledge. Moral of the story…. exercise self-control your freshman year of college.

#18
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I agree, you are screwed (16) - You deserved that one (2)

Oct 19, 2009 09:25 PM - Human Excretions - by Smurf Tits

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When I was drunk I got up from bed to take a piss in my bathroom, only my bathroom was my roomates bedroom and the toilet was his bed. Moral of the story? Down comforters are expensive.

#13
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I agree, you are screwed (2) - You deserved that one (19)

Oct 19, 2009 01:36 PM - Human Excretions - by Daniel0308

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When I was drunk, my buddy's girlfriend was nice enough to be our DD. She drove us all around Santa Monica to different bars. It was about 1:15 in the morning and we stopped to get one last beer. At the bar my buddy started to tell me a story about how he was banging his girlfriend doggystyle when his dick slipped out of her hatchet wound and plunged into her butthole. When he pulled out, his girlfriend ripped a ferocious fart that my buddy described as, "an unholy stench." We heard a voice clear behind us and we realized that she had been standing there throughout the duration of the story. I don't think he got laid that night.

#11
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I agree, you are screwed (61) - You deserved that one (17)

Oct 18, 2009 06:33 PM - Human Excretions - by DannyBoy23

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